Theme Week # 4 Part 3
Completely exhausted from 7 classes, 4 kids, two dogs, and a full time job, I couldn't have picked up a toothpick let alone a frying pan so when my husband asked "What's for dinner?", I threw a package of raw hamburger at him and said, "You're looking at it!" "What the hells your problem?" I slammed the front door and sat on the steps staring at the sky. A few minutes later, pretending I hadn't been a complete bitch, he came out and asked if I wanted to go get something to eat.
Driving to the restaurant, he looked for deer while I abused his ears with all the reasons my life sucked.
We waited for twenty minutes before the hostess showed us to the table and sat there another fifteen minutes before the waitress would come take our order. "I'm Stella." She weighed all of 250lbs. She had long, greasy brown hair and was missing one of her eye teeth. "Whad'ya want to drink?" "Hello to you too", my husband said. "We'll both have a Heinekin." Without acknowledging, she put her pen behind her ear and walked away. "Yeah, she gives me an appetite."
The waitress came back with our drinks. She put my husbands down on the table so hard it foamed over the neck of the bottle. "Figure out what ya want?" "I'd like to start with a new waitress." Unamused, she ignored my husband and turned to me. "I'll have a club sandwich." My husband, ever the wise ass said, "I'll have the ribs, and hold the hair." "Will that do it?" With a smirk, my husband nodded and she walked away.
While waiting for our meals, one of my husbands friends came over to the table to say hello. Not wanting to hear the "Great White Hunter's" sixth version of last night's deer kill, I excused myself and went to the lady's room.
I washed my hands, turned the dryer on and waited for the heater to kick in. Out of the stall walked Stella. Before I could force a smile, she left the bathroom...Never washing her hands. That's just great. Of all the waitresses. We get stuck with Ms Ecoli! I walked back to the table and sat down.
Stella brought us our food. I stared with disgust at her hands. "Anything else?" Before we could finish shaking our heads, she was gone.
Famished, I wrapped my fingers around the sandwich, took a huge bite and pulled the sandwich away from my mouth, only it wouldn't separate.."Oh my God!" I spit my bite onto the plate and started to gag. "What's the matter" my husband asked nervously? I pointed to the piece of hair holding the sandwich together. My husbands face turned white. He waved the waitress over. "What do you need?" "I need you to change your attitude, the goddamn tone of your voice, and get your manager!"
The manager came to the table apologized and asked if I wanted something else to eat. "Oh yeah, why don't I make it easier on your cook and lick the toilet seat before you serve me!" Again, I apologize. I'll deduct the meal from your check." "The meal? Are you fucking serious", my husband asked. Do you honestly think I'm going to eat these ribs let alone pay for any of this meal!" My husband lifted both plates in the air and turned them upside down on the table..."Deduct that" he said and we walked out.
Driving to the restaurant, he looked for deer while I abused his ears with all the reasons my life sucked.
We waited for twenty minutes before the hostess showed us to the table and sat there another fifteen minutes before the waitress would come take our order. "I'm Stella." She weighed all of 250lbs. She had long, greasy brown hair and was missing one of her eye teeth. "Whad'ya want to drink?" "Hello to you too", my husband said. "We'll both have a Heinekin." Without acknowledging, she put her pen behind her ear and walked away. "Yeah, she gives me an appetite."
The waitress came back with our drinks. She put my husbands down on the table so hard it foamed over the neck of the bottle. "Figure out what ya want?" "I'd like to start with a new waitress." Unamused, she ignored my husband and turned to me. "I'll have a club sandwich." My husband, ever the wise ass said, "I'll have the ribs, and hold the hair." "Will that do it?" With a smirk, my husband nodded and she walked away.
While waiting for our meals, one of my husbands friends came over to the table to say hello. Not wanting to hear the "Great White Hunter's" sixth version of last night's deer kill, I excused myself and went to the lady's room.
I washed my hands, turned the dryer on and waited for the heater to kick in. Out of the stall walked Stella. Before I could force a smile, she left the bathroom...Never washing her hands. That's just great. Of all the waitresses. We get stuck with Ms Ecoli! I walked back to the table and sat down.
Stella brought us our food. I stared with disgust at her hands. "Anything else?" Before we could finish shaking our heads, she was gone.
Famished, I wrapped my fingers around the sandwich, took a huge bite and pulled the sandwich away from my mouth, only it wouldn't separate.."Oh my God!" I spit my bite onto the plate and started to gag. "What's the matter" my husband asked nervously? I pointed to the piece of hair holding the sandwich together. My husbands face turned white. He waved the waitress over. "What do you need?" "I need you to change your attitude, the goddamn tone of your voice, and get your manager!"
The manager came to the table apologized and asked if I wanted something else to eat. "Oh yeah, why don't I make it easier on your cook and lick the toilet seat before you serve me!" Again, I apologize. I'll deduct the meal from your check." "The meal? Are you fucking serious", my husband asked. Do you honestly think I'm going to eat these ribs let alone pay for any of this meal!" My husband lifted both plates in the air and turned them upside down on the table..."Deduct that" he said and we walked out.
posted by Mainer at 4:01 PM
3 Comments:
So, how about it, dd--do you feel in the swing now, at last? Did these three versions make you feel like you were channelling a higher (or maybe lower) power who was doing all the heavy lifting? Did that last puppie write itself as you added one outrage after another to the basic outline? Are you happy with these, dialogue and all?
I sure am. I love this assignment and I love what you do with it--just what I had in mind. A chance to play with truth and not-so-truth and turn one into the other or back again or what-ev-errrr.
Anyway, the narrative style, the choice of details, the dialogue, and the pace are all super-sweet. This strikes me as a major keeper! May I use it in the future?
Rereading: the little variations from version to version are so impressive; for example, the degree of difficulty you give to your day or week in the start and the degree of snappishness you give your husband and yourself as you get your bill.
I enjoyed writing this and giving my husband that role. He would probably never talk to anyone that way. He's the quiet one.
I feel a little more comfortable each time I write. Perhaps I'm learning?..
Yes, of course you can use it.
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