Journal Entry # 12
I know I'll get through it but it won't be easy. She's my best friend.
I've only lost one person in my life I was close to, my Grandfather. I wouldn't have guessed four years ago I would be saying this about my Grandmother. We had a strained relationship for over 15 years due in part to her being prejudice. I never really got the chance to know her as a person because I was too immature.
One of my biggest flaws was my inability to forgive people. I felt that I created part of the negative energy that always seemed to find me so I decided to change my life by forgiving those people that I held resentment for.
In doing so, what I discovered about my Grandmother will change my life forever.
I learned that part of her prejudice came from my stepfather. He was stabbed by two black men and almost died. She received the call in the middle of the night. The anger stayed for decades until she got cancer and had to be hospitalized. She met a black nurse that in her words, "Took the best care of me of anyone." She told me that she started to see things differently from that point forward. I see the change and I admire her for it.
I have people I'm close to. I have an amazing sister who wants the best for me, always. I have a best friend that comes to visit me from Tennessee every year just to laugh with me. I have a husband that loves me and thinks I walk on water. What I have when I'm with my Grandmother is something I know I'll never have again. For whatever reason, I'm sure I could find lots, I've always felt an imbalance in my life. It's like I'm one click away from feeling peace but that click is a million miles away. Our relationship, her ability to understand me, her honest opinions; it's put me in touch with it. She's strong, funny, independent, and the most influential person in my life. Selfishly, I'm not ready to let go of her but soon I will have no choice.
She was told 3 years ago this coming February that she only had 3 months to live. Her determination, stubbornness, and will to live gave me time to know her. I'm a better person for it. I know I have to deal with what is going to happen in the next two weeks but I don't even know where to begin.
I've only lost one person in my life I was close to, my Grandfather. I wouldn't have guessed four years ago I would be saying this about my Grandmother. We had a strained relationship for over 15 years due in part to her being prejudice. I never really got the chance to know her as a person because I was too immature.
One of my biggest flaws was my inability to forgive people. I felt that I created part of the negative energy that always seemed to find me so I decided to change my life by forgiving those people that I held resentment for.
In doing so, what I discovered about my Grandmother will change my life forever.
I learned that part of her prejudice came from my stepfather. He was stabbed by two black men and almost died. She received the call in the middle of the night. The anger stayed for decades until she got cancer and had to be hospitalized. She met a black nurse that in her words, "Took the best care of me of anyone." She told me that she started to see things differently from that point forward. I see the change and I admire her for it.
I have people I'm close to. I have an amazing sister who wants the best for me, always. I have a best friend that comes to visit me from Tennessee every year just to laugh with me. I have a husband that loves me and thinks I walk on water. What I have when I'm with my Grandmother is something I know I'll never have again. For whatever reason, I'm sure I could find lots, I've always felt an imbalance in my life. It's like I'm one click away from feeling peace but that click is a million miles away. Our relationship, her ability to understand me, her honest opinions; it's put me in touch with it. She's strong, funny, independent, and the most influential person in my life. Selfishly, I'm not ready to let go of her but soon I will have no choice.
She was told 3 years ago this coming February that she only had 3 months to live. Her determination, stubbornness, and will to live gave me time to know her. I'm a better person for it. I know I have to deal with what is going to happen in the next two weeks but I don't even know where to begin.
posted by Mainer at 4:22 AM
1 Comments:
Hard.
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