Sunday, December 10, 2006

Theme Week # 16

“People say a word dies when it is written by the pen, but for me that word’s life is just about to begin.”
Emily Dickinson


My friend has a bumper sticker that reads, “Don’t believe everything you think.” For years I thought I could write. That’s what my family told me. Why would I want to think any different?

I remember the first time John complimented me on an assignment. “Slick”, “Can I use this as an example in my class?” See, my family was right. I do know how to write. The next papers comment; “It just doesn’t do it for me. Nahh…Nope! Not it” Having a type A personality, my first thought was, Shit! I failed. Soon my insecurity kicked in…He just doesn’t like my writing. Finally…Well, if he would just tell me in plain English what the hell I’m doing wrong!

Paper after paper, the anxiety grew. I spent hours sitting with my head back staring at the ceiling. I’d hold my breath with every reader response. “Too many adjectives. Too many adverbs. Not enough detail. Too much detail.” My pen became a prisoner of his instructions. My husband asked more than once, “Why do you care so much what he thinks?” Seemed like a pretty obvious answer.

One evening, my dreads were completely washed away. I was helping my niece with her homework. She became frustrated with me because she didn’t know how to put into words what she was trying to say. “Honey, I’m here to help you. I don’t expect you to know everything. You don’t go to school to get all the answers right. You go to school to learn the answers.” That was my ton of bricks.

I didn’t take this class for a repeated pat on the back. (I came to the wrong place if that was what I was looking for.) I signed up for this class to learn something. In doing so, my brain was kicked, twisted, yanked, and picked completely apart. In other words, it wasn’t just nestled in believing everything tucked inside of it. With every constructive word of criticism, I found another pathway. With every “There are risky topics, risky ways of writing about non-risky topics, and risky ways of writing about risky topics.” I learned a different way to write, a different way to think. Granted, I felt like I circled the barn a few times before I found the door but I really think I found it! Does that mean I’m now a writer? Nope! It just means there’s a way in, and for me "word's life is just about to begin." What more could I have asked for?

7 Comments:

Blogger johngoldfine said...

"My pen became a prisoner of his instructions."

Nice line. And the rest isn't too shabby either. My missus says I should print it out to save for days I'm feeling discouraged.

3:30 PM  
Blogger Mainer said...

You should never feel discouraged. You can only "reach" those that are ready to be "reached".

4:29 PM  
Blogger johngoldfine said...

That's a theory, but Hollywood movies--Mr. Holland, Stand and Deliver, Dead Poets--say that the great teachers reach the unready.

I can't help watching those movies, even as I laugh at their silliness.

Interesting--when I read this to my wife, she laughed at a lot of points but saved the biggest laugh for the line I picked out in my first comment. That got her, and the 'ton of bricks' did too, though not as a laugh line.

7:01 PM  
Blogger johngoldfine said...

That's a theory all right, but the big Hollywood movies, like Dead Poets, Stand and Deliver, Mr Holland, Conrack, tell us that a teacher should reach the unreachable. Even as I'm laughing at how naive and silly those movies are, I suck that stuff in.

Interesting: my wife laughed at several points hearing your piece--loudest at the line I picked out in my first comment. She interrupted at the "ton of bricks" to exclaim over how nicely that was handled.

7:04 PM  
Blogger johngoldfine said...

Two versions of the same comment written two minutes apart when I thought blogger had eaten the first one.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Mainer said...

Hogwash. Look how long it takes to reach your own children. Where would you find the time to do it to someone elses?

There have been a lot of teachers I've liked over the years but only three have had an effect on the way I view the world. Not because of their philosophy. I've had some pretty intense, and well structured classes. What I feel makes all the difference is presentation, and heart.

Anyone can send messages to the neurons in my brain. Hell, the oil man did that to me yesterday. What you do is make them have seizures. There's a state of confusion at first because everything you know seems different. Once it's over, you're struck with how bland your perception was. The outcome is a lifelong pursuit of ways in which to keep those neurons dancing...you don't ever forget the effect.

5:25 AM  
Blogger johngoldfine said...

Well, bless your heart for your words. I think you're right--those movies are hogwash. The problem is I can't help, in some small stupid part of me, believing in hogwash.

6:51 AM  

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