Journal entry #6
"That's not what she meant!" I felt like screaming those words when I was called to my Grandmother's house yesterday. She is terminally ill and under hospice care but probably one of the toughest ladies you will ever meet. With the occasional bouts of fever, you can hardly tell that she has metastatic cancer.
I was met at the door by one of my uncles. We'll call him Hank. My grandmother calls Hank her "paper tiger". He's tall, dark, handsome and for fifty-five, built like a tank. He has a deep voice and a heart of a marshmallow. I asked how she was doing and he said "fine but a little loopy." I wiped the tears from my face and went to her room. My Aunt "Cindy" was in bed next to her. Cindy is the youngest daughter. There are six kids in all. I sat beside Gram with a brave front and told her I was just popping in to say hello. She looked pitiful. I visit her three to four times a week and stay the night quite often. I wasn't used to seeing her so weak. She was in and out of reality but still had her quick wit and dry sense of humor. During one of my Grandmother's "spells" my Aunt Cindy decided to pray over her. In the middle of her trembling from a high fever, my Grandmother jumped up and shouted "I'm healed!" Everyone laughed. She said she wasn't sure she had the strength to do it but couldn't pass it up.
My uncle "Dick" is her youngest and the favorite. To me, he's the most manipulative person I've ever met. My grandmother made him, not only the executor of her will, but the power of attorney. She has a decent amount of money, none of which I will inherit nor would want to. My uncle Dick however, just can't wait to get his hands on it. Knowing how close I am to her, he thought he would play on my emotions and manipulate me by saying "In good conscious, I cannot drive Mother to the hospital for treatment. It is against what I believe as a nurse and what she has requested in her living will." He's good but not that good. I read right through it. No matter what I feel, I respect that I am not her child and really have no say but he understood that I, in no way, felt she was close enough to death not to take her to be hydrated. That's not the intent of her living will.
My mother arrived to the same speech only my mother crumbles at any pressure. When he said she has every right to take her to the hospital but he will not do it, she folded. I told her that she had to do what she felt was in the best interest of Gram. I told her to not look too far ahead. Uncle Dick's reply, "Don't look too far behind either."
Because I am extremely close to my Grandmother and very protective of her, my mouth couldn't have stayed shut for much longer so l decided to leave. I called my mother that night and told her to stand on her own two feet and to go with her instincts.
Today, I drove to my Grandmother's. Not only had her fever broke but she was walking around and completely level headed. I sat beside her in bed. Without being obvious, I asked her what she thought her living will meant. She said it meant that she would not be put on a respirator or any machines to stay alive. I told her that was everyone's misconception so I prodded further. "So if it meant that you would live a few more months or weeks comfortably, you would consent to hydration, and antibiotic treatment. She said, "Of course, I want to be around as long as I can."
I know there is a fine line with this issue but seeing my Grandmother defy all the odds stacked against her, I hardly think being hydrated warrants a "drastic measure" of survival. She is reaching her three year survival mark. I'm not nieve. I know the cancer will eventually get her but her will to live is much stronger right now. I don't want her to suffer but I don't want her to be dismissed either. There isn't much I can do except respectfully speak my mind and love her while she is here. The latter is much easier.
I was met at the door by one of my uncles. We'll call him Hank. My grandmother calls Hank her "paper tiger". He's tall, dark, handsome and for fifty-five, built like a tank. He has a deep voice and a heart of a marshmallow. I asked how she was doing and he said "fine but a little loopy." I wiped the tears from my face and went to her room. My Aunt "Cindy" was in bed next to her. Cindy is the youngest daughter. There are six kids in all. I sat beside Gram with a brave front and told her I was just popping in to say hello. She looked pitiful. I visit her three to four times a week and stay the night quite often. I wasn't used to seeing her so weak. She was in and out of reality but still had her quick wit and dry sense of humor. During one of my Grandmother's "spells" my Aunt Cindy decided to pray over her. In the middle of her trembling from a high fever, my Grandmother jumped up and shouted "I'm healed!" Everyone laughed. She said she wasn't sure she had the strength to do it but couldn't pass it up.
My uncle "Dick" is her youngest and the favorite. To me, he's the most manipulative person I've ever met. My grandmother made him, not only the executor of her will, but the power of attorney. She has a decent amount of money, none of which I will inherit nor would want to. My uncle Dick however, just can't wait to get his hands on it. Knowing how close I am to her, he thought he would play on my emotions and manipulate me by saying "In good conscious, I cannot drive Mother to the hospital for treatment. It is against what I believe as a nurse and what she has requested in her living will." He's good but not that good. I read right through it. No matter what I feel, I respect that I am not her child and really have no say but he understood that I, in no way, felt she was close enough to death not to take her to be hydrated. That's not the intent of her living will.
My mother arrived to the same speech only my mother crumbles at any pressure. When he said she has every right to take her to the hospital but he will not do it, she folded. I told her that she had to do what she felt was in the best interest of Gram. I told her to not look too far ahead. Uncle Dick's reply, "Don't look too far behind either."
Because I am extremely close to my Grandmother and very protective of her, my mouth couldn't have stayed shut for much longer so l decided to leave. I called my mother that night and told her to stand on her own two feet and to go with her instincts.
Today, I drove to my Grandmother's. Not only had her fever broke but she was walking around and completely level headed. I sat beside her in bed. Without being obvious, I asked her what she thought her living will meant. She said it meant that she would not be put on a respirator or any machines to stay alive. I told her that was everyone's misconception so I prodded further. "So if it meant that you would live a few more months or weeks comfortably, you would consent to hydration, and antibiotic treatment. She said, "Of course, I want to be around as long as I can."
I know there is a fine line with this issue but seeing my Grandmother defy all the odds stacked against her, I hardly think being hydrated warrants a "drastic measure" of survival. She is reaching her three year survival mark. I'm not nieve. I know the cancer will eventually get her but her will to live is much stronger right now. I don't want her to suffer but I don't want her to be dismissed either. There isn't much I can do except respectfully speak my mind and love her while she is here. The latter is much easier.
posted by Mainer at 3:34 PM
1 Comments:
"During one of my Grandmother's "spells" my Aunt Cindy decided to pray over her. In the middle of her trembling from a high fever, my Grandmother jumped up and shouted "I'm healed!" Everyone laughed. She said she wasn't sure she had the strength to do it but couldn't pass it up."
Ah, a woman indeed witty, irreverent, ironic, with a presence.
Post a Comment
<< Home